I have a case of what I just started calling Heavy Head this morning.
Inspired by this post at Lamebook, I took a minute to focus on how I was feeling this morning.
I find it difficult to explain but, I will try:
It feels like you are stuck fast in something and there is something pressing your entire body down. A physical push to get you to go under whatever you are stuck in with no way to get out. There is no path that you can see to get out but, you know you need to do something to get out so there is just the general feeling of stuckness.
Yeah, that doesn't sound very good and it is only a partial description.
I've never been stuck in quick sand like the old cartoons but, I imagine Heavy Head feels like that. You're moving along nicely in your life journey and then Bam! out of nowhere you find yourself stuck in a pit of quick sand.
You don't actually fall all the way over your head, just up to your torso. Enough to look around and know that you're stuck in some shit and know that you need to get unstuck so you can keep going on. But, there's no rope, or branch, or person standing by to help pull you out. Well, there is someone there to help pull you out but, you're too fucking stubborn to ask for help so when they ask if you need help you tell them your fine.
So, you're sitting there in a pit of quicksand not asking for help and telling people you're good and you don't need help even though you do need help because you're just feeling stuck and you can't get going because you're, you know, stuck.
Then along comes some random asshole, and steps on your shoulders to get past that pit of quicksand you're in and instead of just walking on by and not noticing that they're walking on you, they decide to just stop and stand there for a bit. This random asshole just sits there hanging out and not doing anything, not talking to you, not talking to people around you who are asking if you need help, just hanging out like there's nothing better going on anywhere else.
And this random asshole doesn't just hang out for a bit and moves on never to be seen again. No, that would be easy to deal with. This random asshole steps off every once in a while to give you the idea that you're getting unstuck and moving past this stupid pit of quicksand. You think, I've got this. I'm almost out. I'm almost there. I can get out and get unstuck and move on and keep going on this journey I'm going on. You feel confident you'll be able to get shit done and get moving.
And that's when this random ass asshole walks back over you and just fucking stands there, oblivious to what you're going through and not giving a shit that they're fucking up your day/week/month/year.
Heavy Head is just that random ass feeling of being stuck amplified with the idea of physical pressure pushing you down.
Heavy Head is my term for my mind fucking with me and telling me that I'm not good enough to do what I want to do and I shouldn't try to reach any goals that I might have set. It's my name for my brain being a dick to me. Heavy Head is a dick. And I'm still trying to figure out how I can move past that stupid shit.